An Original Christmas Story Goes Live Tonight!!!

I bring you good tiding of great joy!!! A story has been born.

No, not that story.

A new story of the holidays...but Tommy style.

So check back later to see this holiday treat.

Merry CHRISTmas!

Tommy

Next Stop, Bethlehem (A Christmas Story)

Dear Friends, this is a rough draft of a new story I have been working on this holiday season. I hope you enjoy it. Most of all, it is my wish that you have a great Christmas!
Love, Live and Laugh Even More - Tommy

Next Stop, Bethlehem

The other day, while dashing through the snow filled streets, I got a flat tire. Needless to say I was not ready to include this added expense to my already growing seasonal act of maxing out my credit cards as I seek to promote good will with my gift list. Truth be told, this yearly act helps make the season less bright.

So not wasting any time I took my four aging Kojak bald tires to the repair shop and plopped down a sum that I would have rather used to secure a plane ticket out of this winter wonderland.

This is a common practice among those of us who live in the world of check to check. Items that must be dealt with as they ascend rapidly to the top of the list with no effort at all are always compared with something else we would rather be spending our cash. It could something as simple as a lost ticket at a parking ramp, “Well, that could have been a nice dinner at San Chez” to an unexpected crown for your tooth being equated with a weeklong lake front vacation home rental. To the paycheck challenged our lives are in constant comparison flux hell.

So after standing in a long line with the rest of the folks who were also seeking to ensure a skid free safe passage out of the city this holiday season, the attendant heralded the tidings of great joy.

"How do I say this but we are kind of backed up," the short gnome like attendant announced, "It will be at least an hour. This is a busy time of the year for us people."

I was biting back a smart comment about their need to step it up like his relatives in the North Pole. He needed to understand the need for speed and my desire to get my sleigh back up and running.

But all I could squeak out was a simple “Thanks.” Why blow it this close to Christmas?

As I crossed the street to the bakery I began to think about the reason for the season. How could I forget as I am reminded every few miles as I drive to my parent’s home each year. Frankenmuth, just North of my hometown of Flint, is also home to Bronner’s, THE WORLD’S LARGEST CHRISTMAS STORE, who has made it very clear with billboard after billboard that lines the highway with the words CHRISTmas WONDERLAND.

But here I am mid list at the end of the shopping season questioning the very story that we will be asked to honor at some point and in some fashion.

As I enter the bakery, one of the high tech joys of this shop is the ability to offer free wireless service. Some how Starbucks has not figured out how to offer it for free and thus one more reason not to like the Black Oil of Seattle’s reign.

Here I wander about like some crazed man, as my eyes never rise above a crotch height level. Most folks with a laptop understand this moment and have also been witnessed to the many folks who do not understand this quest for firepower. I am just glad today to find this place rather empty and an available power outlet.

Having plugged in I am ready to begin to work and make the most of this downtime. The road outside may have set me back but now I was on the super information highway clipping along at speeds generally reserved for gazelles.

And then the realization set in that I had nothing really pressing to do as my fingers were free to wander click by click to wherever my heart desired.

I did what most anyone would do when bored and launch the Google home page and type out some random interesting topic and let the journey begin.

I was just beginning to type my search of Bethleham when my phone rang. The caller id read Mom but I knew otherwise.

Yes, it was mom but it was December 23 Mom, the version of mother that like clock work calls to inquire what I want for Christmas. Hello Tommy Boy,” she greets me while making a reference to a oft viewed Chris Farley film, “I was just wondering what you want for Christmas this year?" Same line, it was just a different year.

Having resisted back at the tire store, I decided family does not count in these matters and I let it rip. "Oh, I was hoping for a Francis Francis espresso machine from Italy. It usually takes about 2-4 weeks to get it here."

"Well, well don't we have fancy tastes,” she wittily replies, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see if it is in Santa's bag this year."

In other words Mom is saying the only thing that is fat besides Santa is Chance in this case.

Having been beaten back down I softly say, “You do not need to get me anything. I’ll see you Christmas Eve. Bye.”

“Ok, see you then but don’t forget we are planning on visiting the Live Manger again this year. It is a family tradition. Don’t be late, son. Buh bye.” And then she was gone.

But so was I, because I had forgotten about this messed up tradition. Every year of my life my family has always bundled us up, equally packed us up like sardines and then drove to the inner city of Flint to a church parking lot that had been converted into a what most people would swear to be a replica of the birthplace of the Christ child.

Worst shows have closed on Broadway mid-performance but this one keeps plugging along with the same audio track that all the live silent actors move about to as they recreate this story.

Angels appear on the rooftop of the manger and open their mouths to sing the great tidings of joy, but nothing comes out of their mouth. Only the tidings of steam trail out of the angels clearly indicating not a virgin birth but that they were freezing their asses’ off on the top of a roof.

They spare no expense in this production, which includes a few live animals, a generous make up budget and even stadium speakers to broadcast this strictly by the tape program.


I think it was some where around my mid thirties that I noticed something I never noticed before. While most nativity sets in America include the wise men, this live nativity pageant play included a white man in black face makeup.

Between laughter and horror I found myself involuntarily asking out loud to no one in particular the question, “We are in downtown Flint and this church cannot find one African American to play this role?”

“Refill, sir,” the server inquired as I was transported back to present time and space.

The Google home page glowed on my screen as the blinking cursor invited me to wander. Thinking of time ago I began to wonder about the idea of a pregnant woman with a man who was not the father of her child being led on a donkey to a far off city only to discover there were no rooms.

I pictured myself as Joseph and wondered if I would have fared any better. In all reality, Joseph could have been gay given that most straight men would have a hard time settling down with a woman who’s previous lover was a real God. The performance anxiety alone would be too much for any straight husband to endure. So my coming to this conclusion is not too hard to understand with my revisionist vision of these events.

Before you begin casting stones, I feel what Joseph did regards of his sexuality was one of the noblest things a man could do. Most times the gay man is just called in to dance with the wife of the man who will not get funky on the dance floor.

I do not remember hearing if Jesus had any siblings. Surely if one of my own family members were in jail, I would visit and at least make one of the four books to record this history. But there really is nothing.

And what if Jesus’ silence on gay people was because he knew his stepfather was gay. Most times people who know someone who is gay tend to react more lovingly than those who do not. The only clue we have of Jesus’ paternal father is that he claims to be God’s only son. Joseph in silence served his purpose on the dance floor of dirt.

So I put myself in Joseph shoes and imagined a modern virgin birth. I imagined packing for the trip, arriving two hours for my international flight and checking in to our room in Bethlehem.

And then my cursor caught my eye. Of course, if Joseph were alive today at this very moment and faced with joining the throng of people also seeking passage during this season he would no doubt use an online booking agent.

Wasting no time I typed Bethlehem atTravelocity.com and entered in two people, one child, one night. Let's see, I want to check in December 24 and check out December 25. I was giddy at the idea that had Joseph had this technology how much nicer things would have been for Mary that celestial night.

Suddenly a brief flash and the screen announce in 5 seconds I would be transported to my list of area hotels to select from.

And just like so many years ago the screen presented hotel after hotel all with the same message for my heavenly party, and me "We're sorry, there is no availability to match your request."

I wonder if Mary would rather visit South Beach this Christmas?

©Tommy Allen, 2005

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Festivus.

Who knew it would happen like this but there it was looming on the calendar December 23rd. And those who are in the know know this is not a day to trifle with as we hurry home past last minute shoppers and drunken office workers, Festivus is upon us.

So what was supposed to be just another Friday night dinner at home, suddenly quickly changed as Vince showed up. We joked about the holiday a bit but this is no laughing matter.

Before we could escape it, Festivus kicked in.

Little did we know that the meal I had blindly prepared for this evening was eerily in line with the Festivus traditional of serving nothing that resembled a holiday meal. Only comfort food is allowed. So out with the Turkey, Duck or Ham and in with the hearty Italian sausage tomato cream sauce served over an equally meaty pasta with horse milk cheese.

Next was the Airing of Grievances. It would be unfair to reveal the true nature of the many comments shouted back and forth at each guest during this practice but lets just say they were very direct and in the spirit of "I've got a lot of problems with you people!" tradition.

My personal favorite part of the holiday event was the Feats of Strength. I was knocked out of the running right at the git go as I lost an arm wrestling match in the blink of an eye to Vince. But it was fun watching Vince and Michael battle it out over who would be triumphant.

Even Madison got in the game. At one point I thought she was going to either bite or hump the players who were battling it out on our game board of a living room rug. Either act by Madison would have been in the spirit of this game since Festivus is not over until the head of the household is wrestled and "pinned" to the floor. Madison was just trying to make sure we all knew she rules the roost.

Oh, you ask, "What about the no frills aluminum pole?"

Yes, Virginia, there was a pole but it never materialized properly since it held up our sparkling Christmas tree.

And just when I thought I would forever be spotlighted on the center stage of clumsiness, a Festivus Miracle appeared. Michael, the purveyor of perfection, knocked a purple glass MOMA Christmas bulb to the floor shattering it into a thousand glittering silver pieces.

The Liberation of the Aluminum Pole Has Begun!

Happy Festivus 2005.

Further reading on Festivus

'Tis The Season of Giving

It is that time again when giving kicks in and for those seeking a great tax break seriously consider a charitable donation before December 31, 2005.

The Katrina Emergency Tax Relief Act suspends the limitations on deductions for a cash contribution to a non-profit "public charity" made between August 28, 2005 - December 31, 2005. One can donate to any non-profit not just one associated with Katrina relief. Simply stated this means that 100% of this donation is deductible. (Be sure to alert one's accountant of this donation.)

So if you are looking for a Grand Rapids non-profit, please consider the Student Advancement Foundation (SAF). In my column for On The Town's December 2005 issue I had the chance to interview Susan Heartwell, SAF's Executive Director (pictured above), to discuss the scope of what they are accomplishing in the Grand Rapids Public Schools. It was truly a pleasure to see what they are doing at SAF.

One of their programs seeks to bring all the Grand Rapids public school libraries up to national standards. It would be nice to end the year with this project fully funded and completed.

To date they have raised $1.8 million and only need $200,000 to make this goal.

So in the spirit of the holiday I just wanted to give you the info about a great program and partner it with the great news of a terrific tax break this season.

Be sure to look for updates on this blog on the many artists and subjects I cover in my column. I hope in the coming months to be able to share more insights that I am not able to get into print due to limited word space within my column.

Web: Student Advancement Foundation
Mail Checks to The Grand Rapids Student Advancement Foundation
118 Commerce SW, Grand Rapids, MI 49503
Be sure to include Literacy Project on the subject line of your donation.

December's What The F#%*!

Sunday AM for most folks is a time to sleep in, brew a full pot of coffee and just ease into the day. So you can imagine my shock as I moved from the New York Times to the Grand Rapids Press and stumble upon a new face in the Advice section.

There it was the serenity now breaker in big black type, "Pushing condoms wrong for teens" by James Dobson of Focus On The Family. WTF?

On first observation I was shocked but not surprised to read this right wing rant about the sharing of condom knowledge with teens is the same thing as giving them permission. But in reality as I look over my friend's who have adopted an open forum of discussion with their kids, there were gaping holes in his argument and issues to be raised.

In a culture increasingly targeting hormonal teens it is important to note that if I had kids I would be very forth coming with all the options to save their lives from everything from STD's to pregnancies. In fact many of my close friends have spent time with their kids talking about sex and not one of their kids is pregnant or carrying a killer in their veins.

The very fact the GR Press allows such a right wing speaker is further proof that the newspaper is so far out of touch with this region. To continually serve this side is to ignore the true facts of this regions changing landscape.

Case in point, last year a friend of mine hosted what was billed as a "Passion Party" in East Grand Rapids. Think of this as a Tupperware party for sex toys and lotions for motion. At first even I was a bit shocked but what was even more revealing besides the first view of the famed "Rabbit" is the amount of sales this saleswoman is pulling down in this area. She even quit her day job because the demand is so high. Her best sales are coming from the areas outside the Grand Rapids city limits.

So how does one help counter this misconception of our region and how we are being served? We can start by calling the GR Press and demand that they start by becoming increasingly metropolitan, comfortable and willing to have dialogue on topics that really are representative of this region, even talking about sex in a healthy, intelligent and adult manner. Might I suggest we see Savage Love by Dan Savage as part of our line up to counter balance and serve this region. ( I doubt this would happen but everyone has a fantasy or two or four.)

As to Mr. Dobson's assertions on insertion may I counter with an article from the LA Weekly which exposes the mess the CDC has become under W's reign.

They wrote, "These new regs require the censoring of any “content” — including “pamphlets, brochures, fliers, curricula,” “audiovisual materials” and “pictorials (for example, posters and similar educational materials using photographs, slides, drawings or paintings),” as well as “advertising” and Web-based info. They require all such “content” to eliminate anything even vaguely “sexually suggestive” or “obscene” — like teaching how to use a condom correctly by putting it on a dildo, or even a cucumber. And they demand that all such materials include information on the “lack of effectiveness of condom use” in preventing the spread of HIV and other STDs — in other words, the Bush administration wants AIDS fighters to tell people: Condoms don’t work. This demented exigency flies in the face of every competent medical body’s judgment that, in the absence of an HIV-preventing vaccine, the condom is the single most effective tool available to protect someone from getting or spreading the AIDS virus."

So I think it is pretty clear what a Faith Based Initiative can provide to our country's teens. It is not the A, B, C's that are often used by organizations committed to preventing the advance of disease and pregnancies but they rather employ a messed up A, B, D.

Abstinence
Be Faithful
Dunk Head In Sand

Condoms do save teens lives on so many levels that it is worth talking about with them. Knowledge is power!

One last point, why is it that everyone else in their column BOLD the "name/location" of the person asking the question while Dodson has nothing? It makes one consider his journalist integrity in his forum and has this reader wondering if these questions are actually made up to serve his own end.

Further Reading
http://www.laweekly.com/ink/printme.php?eid=54598
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove